More than ever

I'm on my own.

It's not good

It's not bad

It's just a fact.

How reading helps

LONG TIME AGO

I feel depressed at night. It’s been like that for a while. I cannot sleep sometimes. And I am re-reading a Vonnegut novel (Fates worse than Death), where the character says the words that later on I learn they use at AA meetings:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

My mind reflects and quiets upon reading this and other Vonnegut quotes, quotes whose pessimistic view I share and feel and I specially like the idea of the “Suicide Parlor”, also shared by the Spanish band Ilegales and their “Plataforma de suicidio colectivo”, with the added twist of the roofs, the color of a well-known cheap hotel chain:

[…] he hypothecated an America in which almost all of the work was done by machines, and the only people who could get work had three or more Ph D's. There was a serious overpopulation problem, too.

[…] the government […] set up a purple-roofed Ethical Suicide Parlor at every major intersection.

AND that’s the only way I get some comfort and can go to sleep finally–well, that and half a sleeping pill.

ONE DAY NO WORDS

I haven't spoken a word all day -
I'd like to make that a weekend
or a couple of days - woudn't it be nice?

I really bothers me when people mother me

I just wrote that in an email and I had to leave it here. I had noticed a while ago, but it's coming stronger right now. I guess I'm having this going back to who I am, and who I am as an adult started in the U.S. Stuff from the past is emerging. But only the stuff that can help me be stronger and remind me of who I am and what I have accomplished.

End of story (Fargo, some people know exactly where and who).

--------

And I come back.

The sentence came when talking about friends that treat you like parents (or the way you let them treat you that way). Sometimes you have to block their calls (sometimes you have to block them altogether).

But today, not only this sentence came about, but also a series of mild coincidences.
I had looked for a Seinfeld video on Youtube last night (being as I am back to life in the nineties). I sent it to a friend. He puts it up on Facebook and that gets another exfriend's attention, someone from RI who wanted to hear from me. This woman I had had a few dreams about in the recent months, although I haven't seen her in over ten years. Another woman, a co-worker from that time back had just contacted me a month before.

This morning, one of my favorite journalists-commentators on TV was talking about answering machines or voicemail, call ID, blocked ID, etc. and how they’ve helped us avoid unwanted calls. Something that touches me, since I've had to use the screening / identifying mechanisms to avoid long conversations or rather interrogations lately -though I still need to perfect my system a little more with telemarketers (why don't I hang up when I hear that two seconds' delay yet?).

Anyhow, I go back to Youtube to look for that Seinfeld video, and there I have the one about George's answering machine...

(believe it or not, I’m not home) that cracks me up.
 

I'm literally bent over with laughter, not only 'cause that character has always been my "equivalent/bizarro” in Seinfeld (I used to say I am in between Elaine and George, but I guess I tend to be more of a georgieboy). I’m laughing because the words in that song and the music make me laugh, and because George’s behavior reminds me of my own behavior when nobody's looking. 'Cause screening for one person probably gets him into more trouble than he would be in if he just picked up the phone and said whatever he wanted to say to the woman he is screening against. Also, I like the fact that Jerry knows what George is doing and that's what I want from a friend. Please do get me, if you call yourself a friend.

Then I write to another friend of mine who was with me yesterday and he said I was sad, and I probably was, but today I wrote to him thanking him for his time with me and informing him that by the time I went to bed I had a big smile on my face. So he sends me another Youtube video as a gift. A video about the power of smiles. And he asks me last night if I was writing and I did start writing, or kept writing. I've been smiling, laughing, crying (just a bit) and writing.

So you’ll say, really nothing new here. And you'll be right, my friend.